Loving an Abusive Parent: When It's the Parent You Love

 Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Yes, you can love a parent who abused you, and many people do. Love and hurt can live in the same relationship, and feeling both doesn't mean something is wrong with you. You get to decide what kind of relationship, if any, feels safe, and setting boundaries doesn't mean you've stopped loving them.

Updated September 2026

We often think of abuse as physical or psychological harm inflicted on a person, but what do we do when the abuser is our own parent? It's a situation that many of us may find ourselves in. A parent who treats their child as if they are an extension of their own narcissistic needs can have crippling effects on the child's sense of identity and security. This blog post will discuss some strategies for creating healthy boundaries with your abusive parent while also maintaining connection and love.
 

Why You Can Love a Parent Who Hurt You

Children depend on their parents to survive, and we are built to bond with the people who raise us. That bond doesn't simply switch off when a parent is also the one causing harm. Instead, it gets complicated. Many adults carry both at once: real love and warm memories, alongside anger, grief, fear, or numbness.

Some abusive parents do love their children in their own way. That love can be real and still not be enough to keep you safe. Their love doesn't excuse the harm, and the harm was never your fault.

Navigating a Relationship with an Abusive Parent

It can be difficult to know how to handle this type of relationship. The desire to maintain connection and love while also protecting yourself from emotional harm can create inner turmoil. One strategy is to set boundaries and take time away from the situation in order to reset and establish new parameters for communication. For example, you could decide to limit visits with your parent or end communication altogether if it begins to feel unhealthy.
 

Understand Your Emotions 

An important part of creating healthy boundaries with your abusive parent is understanding your own emotions. When we are faced with difficult situations such as this one, our natural instinct is often to run away or ignore the problem completely. However, this is not a viable solution because it does not allow us to process our emotions or learn from the experience. Therefore, it is important to take time to reflect on what happened and identify what emotions you are feeling towards your abuser. This will help you gain clarity on how best to move forward in your relationship. 
 

Notice What Your Body Tells You

Your body often knows before your mind does. Before or after contact with your parent, you might notice a tight chest, a clenched jaw, a stomach that drops, or a wave of tiredness. You don't have to act on these signals right away. Simply noticing them, without judging yourself, can help you learn which kinds of contact feel manageable and which leave you depleted. If it's hard to find words for what you feel, a sensations wheel can help.

Changing Communication Patterns

Another strategy could be changing how you communicate with your parents. Instead of trying to reason with them, try expressing your feelings instead. Speak honestly about how the situation makes you feel without blaming or attacking them; focus on what you need rather than what they should do differently. This may help them understand that there are consequences for their behavior and that it’s ok for you to have different opinions from them without feeling guilty or ashamed about it.

 

Photo credit: Sarah Cervantes @Unsplash

Practice Self-Care 

In order to maintain a healthy relationship with your abuser, self-care should always come first! Taking care of yourself physically and mentally is essential during this process as it allows you to stay grounded while also providing you with strength during difficult conversations. Make sure that you practice self-care regularly by engaging in activities such as yoga or meditation which bring peace into your life and help reduce stress levels associated with toxic relationships like these ones. 

Finally, consider getting professional help if you’re struggling with an abusive parent relationship; speaking with a therapist may provide insight into how best to handle the situation and equip you with tools to manage any negative emotions that arise as a result of your interactions with your parent. If possible, find someone who specializes in trauma-informed care so that they can work with you on both healing from past experiences and navigating current relationships more successfully in the future.

If You Need Support Right Now

If you are in danger right now, call 911. If you are a child or teen being hurt, or an adult survivor of childhood abuse, you can reach the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453 by call, text, or chat, any time of day. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. (These are US resources.) Working with a trauma-informed therapist can also help you heal at your own pace.

Conclusion

Abuse at the hands of a parent can have devastating effects on our sense of self-worth, safety, and security. It's important to remember that it's ok to take time away from these situations in order to protect yourself emotionally—it doesn't mean that you don't love your parents anymore or that you're being disrespectful towards them! Setting healthy boundaries, communicating honestly about your feelings rather than trying to reason with them, and seeking professional help if necessary are all important steps towards creating healthier relationships between parents and children while still maintaining connection and love between both parties involved.

Frequently asked questions

How do you love an abusive parent?

Loving an abusive parent doesn't have to mean unlimited access to you. Many people find they can love a parent while keeping some distance: shorter visits, fewer topics, or less contact for a while. Others need to step away altogether. There is no single right answer. What matters is finding a way of relating that protects your well-being, and letting yourself feel whatever love, anger, or grief comes up along the way.

Can an abusive parent still love you?

Yes, some abusive parents do love their children, even when they are also hurting them. Love and harm are not opposites, which is part of what makes this so confusing. But a parent's love doesn't cancel out the abuse, and it doesn't make the abuse your fault. You can believe your parent loves you and still decide you need boundaries.

How do you deal with an abusive parent?

Start with your own safety. From there, many people find it helps to set boundaries around contact, understand their own feelings, speak honestly about what they need instead of trying to win arguments, and take good care of themselves. A trauma-informed therapist can help you sort through mixed feelings and decide what kind of relationship, if any, feels right.

Can an abusive parent change?

Some people do change, usually when they take responsibility and get help of their own. But you can't make it happen, and waiting for it can keep you stuck. It's reasonable to look for steady changes in behavior over time rather than promises. Whatever your parent does, your own healing doesn't have to depend on it.

Albert Wong, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Somatopia.

Photo credit: Tim Mossholder @Unsplash