Overcoming Codependency

It starts subtly at first. You go a little out of your way to help a colleague who seems overwhelmed. You offer to host dinner for friends when no one volunteers. You pick up extra items for your spouse at the grocery store without a second thought. Before you know it, your whole life is filled with these tiny acts of service and generosity. Small kindnesses, minor accommodations, little sacrifices made daily for those around you. But at what point does being helpful cross the line into overgiving? When do minor accommodations accumulate into major depletion?

There’s a tipping point when even the most well-intentioned giving spirit crosses over into territory that erodes the self. It’s the moment when you realize you’ve taken on far more than your share without others taking any of the load off your back. When your knee-jerk reaction is always “yes” to requests because saying “no” feels selfish or difficult. When you’ve given away parts of yourself little by little, until there’s barely anything left for you.

This phenomenon isn’t unique to any particular type of person either. Whether you’re an ambitious CEO or humble homemaker, you likely know what it’s like to be so concerned about tending to everyone else’s needs that your own get cast aside. You may not even notice the small imbalances building up over time. Not until the fateful day you finally hit a wall, utterly depleted. The question is, how do you know if you’ve crossed that line? What are the key signals that warn you may be giving far more than you ought to be?

The Body's Signals

The human body has a remarkable way of sending us signals when our minds and hearts get off track. Subtle signs—a tightness in the chest, a knot in the stomach—that seek our attention when we've strayed too far out of balance. For those prone to overgiving, tuning into these somatic cues and listening to the wisdom of the body may be the key to righting their equilibrium once more.

Our sympathetic nervous system reacts viscerally when we consistently put others' needs before our own. The biological stress response kicks in; cortisol floods our system sounding the alarm bells. Our energy stores deplete as we operate in constant "go" mode, trying to meet every demand placed upon us. Our muscles tense up, holding that tension in the fibers until it manifests as pain and stiffness. Headaches, backaches, fatigue. Our bodies have a way of making us face what our minds try to rationalize away.

What if we were to send soothing sensations into those tense spaces instead of ignoring them? What if we made our self-care as high a priority as we make our care for others? By consciously scanning for areas of constriction and meeting them with gentle breath and touch, we can unravel those bound up places that keep us locked in imbalance. Our somatic sense guides us toward equilibrium once again. For in order to keep giving, first we must learn how to graciously receive.

Our Somatic Stress Response

When Paulo Coelho wrote that “the world is changed by your example, not by your opinion,” he clearly wasn’t thinking about those who fall into the overgiving trap. Their example shows all the outward signs of virtue—selflessness, sacrifice, a spirit of service. But inside, their bodies tell a far different story. One written in the language of stress hormones, tightened muscles, and exhausted adrenals.

This is the somatic stress response in action. It begins innocently enough. You commit to hosting your in-laws for a week—no problem. You agree to head up the school fundraising committee—for a good cause. You take on an extra project at work to help a coworker—that’s just being a team player.

But your sympathetic nervous system sounds the alarm each time you expend energy without balancing the scales. It ramps up production of cortisol and adrenaline, preparing you for fight or flight. Your amygdala—the primal region of your brain attuned to threats—scans for dangers. Your prefrontal cortex—the executive center concerned with consequences—gets overridden. Imbalance becomes your new normal.

Think of it like a bank account. Each act of giving makes a withdrawal. But without regular deposits—time for yourself, quiet contemplation, activities that soothe your spirit—the account starts running on empty. It reaches deficit status. Compound interest in the form of stress builds steadily. Until finally, complete energetic bankruptcy. The tiredness penetrates so deep, no amount of sleep can restore it. You’ve given too much, too often, without enough nourishment in return.

This is the body’s SOS cry for homeostasis. Our somatic sense acts as an inner compass, guiding us back to equilibrium. We just have to learn to listen.

The signs

At first, the signs are subtle. A feeling of dull pressure behind your eyes after one too many late nights. The slightest wheeze in your chest when you used to breeze through cardio. An extra cup of coffee to get going in the morning. Nothing some extra rest this weekend surely can’t fix.

But soon, the signals grow a bit louder. Your lower back aches when you stand up from your desk—that project took more of a toll than you realized. Heartburn keeps you up at night, as acid creeps up your esophagus. Your eyes strain and burn beneath fluorescent lights all day. Still, you ignore the growing choir of signals. You pop an antacid and muscle through.

Over time, the somatic cues become impossible to overlook. Headaches pound an almost daily rhythm—your elevated blood pressure registers distress. Fitful sleep leaves you exhausted, as cortisol continues pumping through the night. Your neck and shoulders feel locked in permanent knots, carrying the weight of everyone’s problems. Nervous ticks—skin picking, nail biting, teeth grinding—betray your body’s agitation.

By now, your body is shouting for you to stop and take stock. Here in these sensations lie the answers you’ve been missing in your mind’s relentless push to do more. Feel where you carry others’ burdens in your tissue. Notice where you’re clenching and holding tension. Your somatic sense highlights all the places you desperately need rest. For this is the body’s language, communicating what the mind tries to deny. Listen, and heal.

For those prone to overgiving, there is often a disconnect between the mind and body. While their actions may appear outwardly charitable on the surface, inwardly their somatic signals flash warning signs of imbalance. But constantly tending to others leaves little room for tending to one's own needs.

In a way, excessive givers are masters of projection. They focus their energy on filling voids outside themselves rather than looking within. It's easier to solve someone else's problems than sit with your own discomfort. But in ignoring their bodily wisdom, chronic givers do themselves—and those they care for—a disservice.

Tuning inward and making space for somatic awareness is critical to restoring balance. Start by closing your eyes and scanning your body from head to toe. Notice where you hold tension—the jaw, neck, shoulders, chest, stomach. Breathe deeply into these spaces and visualize the areas softening. Open up to the feedback your body provides. Honor any emotions that surface with care and non-judgment.

Somatic work teaches you to become your own best caregiver. Attend to areas calling for nourishment by treating them with gentle touch, soothing warmth, calming pressure. Imagine sending love and acceptance into the parts of you longing for respite. As givers turn inward, they gain the insight needed to finally give to themselves as wholeheartedly as they give to others.

Practices to try

Once you've opened to your body's subtle cues, there are simple practices to help nurture your somatic sense:

Breathe into tight spaces. Close your eyes and notice areas of constriction. Send the breath into those stiff, aching places to oxygenate and loosen what's stuck. Even a few conscious breaths can melt tension and satisfy the body's craving for awareness.

Move mindfully. Whether it's walking, stretching, or dancing, let the wisdom of your body guide you. Feel its promptings to sway, bend, reach, fold. Your somatic intelligence knows just what you need in each moment. Follow where it leads.

Try restorative yoga. Poses held gently over time - legs up the wall, child's pose, seated forward fold - give the nervous system a chance to shift out of activation back into calm. Support areas begging for relief.

Photo credit: Jared Rice @Unsplash

Sit in open meditation. Rather than forcing a blank state, welcome whatever arises. If emotions or sensations bubble up, cradle them with curiosity. See what messages they hold.

Scan the body. Systematically sweep through regions from head to toe, breathing into each one. As you inquire how each area feels, your somatic awareness grows.

The simplest practices conversing with the body can unlock profound insight. Its wisdom reaches far deeper than the chatter of our tiring minds. All we must do is listen.

Set somatic boundaries.

Chronic givers often have porous boundaries that leave them drained. Using your body's signals, you can start to sense when enough is enough. The moment you feel your shoulders creep up near your ears, your chest tighten, your stomach knot, you've likely hit your somatic limit.

Honor these sensations by gently telling yourself, "I'm at capacity - time to pause and replenish." Rather than barreling past your body's warnings, set a boundary around your time and energy. Your health depends on it.

Somatic signals also make clear when you sincerely have space to give. Notice the openness in your chest, the relaxation in your face and belly, the ease in your breath. When your body communicates space rather than constriction, you can say yes freely and generously.

Your body knows your needs and capacities better than anyone. Trust its wisdom, and your giving will become ever more conscious, purposeful and nourishing - to yourself and others.

Ask for what you need.

Rather than waiting until you're depleted, make requesting support a regular practice. Don't let misplaced pride or fear of burdening others stop you. Consider what your soul and body truly need - a massage, home cooked meal, listening ear? Then ask plainly for what would fill you up.

When we consistently make our self-care dependent on others' care, we avoid the trap of imbalance. Your somatic sense reveals what nourishes you - then boldly invite others to meet those needs. Giving and receiving in equal measure keeps your body - and spirit - humming in harmony.

Make space for self-care.

Just as you block off time for work meetings and social commitments, formally schedule time to nourish your somatic needs. Honor this time as you would any other important appointment.

Maybe it's a daily 20-minute walk to decompress and move stagnant energy. Perhaps it's a weekly bath by candlelight, with soothing music and epsom salts. Or a monthly massage to knead out the knots of everyday stress. Consider which rituals call to you and write them into your calendar.

Photo credit: Annie Spratt @Unsplash

When self-care feels indulgent, remember it's medicine - not a reward you need to earn, but a human need you deserve simply for being alive. Make your body a priority, and soon you'll have greater energy for those you care for.

Surrender into rest.

For those accustomed to burning the candle at both ends, rest may feel uncomfortable at first. But it offers the deep rejuvenation your body craves.

Let yourself sleep in on weekends without an alarm. Spend a day doing absolutely nothing productive. Say no to every commitment that even slightly overwhelms you. As challenging as it seems, keep surrendering to what your body asks of you.

With time, you'll realize how restlessness transforms into deep relaxation. How overcommitment gives way to open spontaneity. By consistently honoring your body's request for stillness, you'll access your natural state of balance once again.

The mind has its limits. No matter how hard we think, plot and plan, our mental bandwidth gets used up. Mental fatigue inevitably sets in. But the body's wisdom is boundless. An endless source of insight about our deepest needs, if only we take time to listen.

For those locked into overgiving patterns, somatic awareness offers release. It's the missing piece that our minds overlook in their compulsion to keep pushing on. As we tune into the body's signals—its pleas for rest, its tense places begging for ease—we gain access to intuitive knowledge far beyond rational thought. Our somatic sense realigns us to our natural state of equilibrium.

Of course, living in that state takes practice. We must retrain ourselves to receive as much as we give. To set boundaries aligned with our energy levels, not others' demands. To devote ourselves fully to rituals of renewal. But the rewards are profound.

By honoring the body's way, givers discover the joy of balance. The pleasure that comes from caring for oneself as deeply as caring for others. The richness of a life where selflessness and self-care coexist in equal measure. Where we can keep giving endlessly, because we've learned to give first and foremost to ourselves.

 Photo credit: Martin Baron @Unsplash