The Negative Cycle of Communication: An Emotion-Focused Therapy Perspective

Assumptions are the termites of relationships.

-Henry Winkler

We've all been there before. You're in a relationship, and things start to go south. The communication starts to break down, and before you know it, you're caught in a never-ending cycle of negative communication. It can be frustrating, hurtful, and even traumatizing. But what if I told you that there was a way out? That there is a way to break the negative cycle and get back on track?

In this blog post, we'll be exploring the negative cycle of communication from an emotion-focused therapy perspective. We'll be looking at the infinity loop, how couples get into negative patterns of communication, and some of the common patterns of negative communication. We'll also be exploring the difference between a primary emotion and a secondary emotion. Finally, we'll be looking at the importance of vulnerability in breaking the negative cycle. So let's get started!

The Infinity Loop

The first thing we need to understand is the infinity loop. The infinity loop is a never-ending cycle of negative communication that can be incredibly damaging to a relationship. In the infinity loop, one person will say or do something that upsets the other person. The upset person will then react in a way that upsets the first person. This reaction will then lead to another reaction from the first person, and so on and so forth. The result is a never-ending cycle of negativity that can be incredibly damaging to both parties involved.

Couples often find themselves in this cycle because they don't know how to communicate effectively with each other. They get caught up in their own emotions and react in ways that are hurtful instead of constructive. If you find yourself in this cycle, it's important to seek out help from a therapist or coach who can assist you in learning how to communicate effectively with your partner.

Breaking the Negative Cycle

There are many different ways to break the negative cycle, but one of my personal favorites is using the analogy of porcupines hugging as an illustration of how to break the negative cycle or demon dialogue described in EFT. For porcupines to hug without hurting each other, they have to learn how to approach each other with care and gentleness. They have to be willing to put their quills down and open up to being vulnerable with each other. In order for couples to break the negative cycle, they have to learn how to approach each other with care and gentleness as well. They have to be willing to put their defenses down and open up to being vulnerable with each other. When they are able to do this, they can begin to build a foundation of trust and respect that will help them move forward in a positive direction.

Photo credit: Reign Abarintos @Unsplash

If you find yourself caught in the negative cycle of communication, know that you are not alone. Many couples find themselves stuck in this cycle because they don't know how to communicate effectively with each other. However, there is hope! There are many different ways to break the negative cycle, but one of my personal favorites is using the analogy of porcupines hugging as an illustration of how to break the negative cycle or demon dialogue described in EFT. In order for porcupines to hug without hurting each other, they have to learn how approach each other with care and gentleness.

If you need help trying to figure out what your negative cycle is, we put together a little questionnaire below that can help you figure out what it looks like:  Identifying Your Negative Cycle.  Feel free to give it a whirl!

Photo credit: Kier in Sight @Unsplash